Review
This book was our bible when our children were small. We learned so much from it that we still use every day, not only to communicate with the young, but with everyone! You learn how to persuade children to change unacceptable behaviour without making them feel threatened, attacked or rejected. You also learn not only how to listen, but also how to make the other person feel genuinely heard. You discover how so many of the communication habits you picked up from your own parents are in fact bound to lead to conflict and hurt feelings. And you discover how easy it is to replace these old habits with new ones which achieve the peaceful, harmonious results you actually want!
288pp, 128mm x 198mm, softback, 2001

Extract
Praise
Once upon a time there were two seven-year-old boys, named Bruce and David. They both had mothers who loved them very much.

Each boy's day began differently. The first thing Bruce heard when he awakened in the morning was, 'Get up now, Bruce! You're going to be late for school again.'

Bruce got up, dressed himself - except for his shoes - and came in for breakfast. Mother said, 'Where are your shoes? Are you planning to go to school barefoot? ... And look at what you're wearing! That blue sweater looks awful with that green shirt... Bruce dear, what have you done to your pants? They're ripped. I want you to change them after breakfast. No child of mine is going to school with torn pants... Now watch how you pour your juice. Don't spill it the way you usually do!'

Bruce poured and spilled.

Mother was exasperated. As she mopped up the mess, she said, 'I don't know what to do with you.'

Bruce mumbled something to himself.

'What was that?' Mother asked. 'There you go mumbling again.'

Bruce finished his breakfast in silence. Then he changed his pants, put on his shoes, collected his books, and left for school. His mother called out, 'Bruce, you forgot your lunch! If your head weren't screwed on to your shoulders, I bet you'd forget that too.'

Bruce took his lunch and as he started out the door again, mother reminded him, 'Now be sure to behave at school today.'

David lived across the street. The first thing he heard in the morning was, 'Seven o'clock, David. Do you want to get up now or take five more minutes?' David rolled over and yawned. 'Five more minutes,' he mumbled.

Later he came to breakfast dressed, except for his shoes. Mother said, 'Hey, you're dressed already. All you have left to put on are your shoes! ... Uh, oh - there's a rip in the seam of your pants. Looks as if the whole side could split. Shall I sew it on you while you stand up or would you rather change?' David thought a second and said, 'I'll change after breakfast.' Then he sat down at the table an poured his juice. He spilled some.

'The clean-up rag is in the sink,' Mother called over her shoulder as she continued making his lunch. David got the rag and wiped up the spill. They talked for a while as David ate his breakfast. When he was finished, he changed his pants, put on his shoes, collected his books and left for school - without his lunch.

Mother called after him, 'David, your lunch!'

He ran back to get it and thanked her. As she handed it to him she said, 'See you later!'

Both Bruce and David had the same teacher. During the day the teacher told the class, 'Children, as you already know, we'll be putting on our Columbus Day play next week. We need a volunteer to paint a colorful welcome sign on our classroom door. We also need a volunteer to pour and serve the lemonade for our guests after the play. And finally, we need someone who will go around to the other third-grade classes and make a short speech inviting everyone to our play and telling them the time, day, and place.'

Some of the children raised their hands immediately; some raised their hands tentatively; and some didn't raise their hands at all.

Our story stops here. That's all we know. About what happened afterwards, we can only guess. But it certainly does leave us with food for thought. Take a moment now to consider these questions and answer them for yourself:

1. Would David be likely to raise his hand to volunteer?
2. Would Bruce?
3. What is the relationship between how children think of themselves and their willingness to accept challenges or risk failure?
4. What is the relationship between how children think of themselves and the kind of goals they set for themselves?

Now that you've explored your own thoughts, I'd like to share mine with you. Granted, there are children who manage to brush off the belittling they get at home and still rrise to the challenges of the outside world. And granted, there are some shildren who are treated with regard at home who still doubt their own abilities and shrink from challenge. However, it would seem logical that those children who grow up in families where their best is appreciated would be more likely to feel good about themselves, more likely to cope with the challenges of life, and more likely to set higher goals for themselves than those who don't.

As Nathaniel Branden has said in his book The Psychology of Self Esteem, 'There is no value judgement more important to man, no factor more decisive in his psychological development and motivation - than the estimate he passes on himself... The nature of his self-evaluation has profound effects on a man's thinking processes, emotions, desires, values and goals. It is the single most significant key to his behaviour.'

If a child's self-esteem is so important, then what can we as parents do to enhance it? Certainly all the principles and skills we've talked about so far can help a child see himself as a person of worth. Each time we show respect for his feelings, each time we offer him a chance to make a choice, or give him a chance to solve a problem, he grows in confidence and self-esteem.

How else can we help our children build a positive and realistic self-image? Surely praising them would seem to be another part of the answer.

From How to Talk So Kids Will Listen and Listen So Kids Will Talk, ?2001 by Edele Faber & Elaine Mazlish, published by Piccadilly Press Ltd.